Here are some tweets.

I was on Twitter from 2007 to 2019. It was great for the first five years or so, then it really started to become a drag. I decided to close my account towards the end of 2019. Below are the tweets I thought worth saving.

Sun 23rd Jun 2019
My son has declared that he would like Bran Flakes for his Birthday.
Tue 4th Jun 2019
If we weren't living in a simulation, would I be able to do this!?

*jumps out of moving car*
Sat 9th Feb 2019
My son has just started shouting, “ALEXA, STOP PLAYING RADIO!” at the top of his voice at random intervals. We don’t actually have one, but I’m assuming my parents are just constantly turning off the radio.
Thu 31st Jan 2019
I’ve just realised the biggest tautology of the 80s:
Sun 25th Mar 2018
Daughter calls egg shell, “crack”. You know, because you crack them. This morning she shouts:
“Can I have egg for breakfast?”
“Yeah sure”
“Don’t put any crack in it!”
Sun 19th Aug 2018
Top tip: Can’t figure out how to set the time on an appliance? No problem. Simply wait until midnight and flick said appliance off and on again. The time is now set correctly. You are most welcome.
Sat 8th Dec 2018
If my son thinks something tastes really bad he will say, “I had a bad dream in my mouth”.
Thu 30th Jun 2016
Daughter has new stripy pyjamas. She now insists her name is "Stripy McGiggles".
Fri 4th Jul 2014
You're closing doors, not opening windows.
Sun 11th May 2014
When my father uses the sleep timer on the TV he stays up to wait for it to turn off. He doesn't trust it.
Sat 5th Apr 2014
Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the universe or we aren't. Both are equally terrifying. -- Arthur C Clarke.
Fri 17th Jan 2014
Pretty much everything that's posted to the web these days appears to be link bait. Click here to find out why.
Fri 19th Jul 2013
I came here to kick ass and chew gum...and it looks like we're all out of...oh wait no, there's still a piece left.
Sun 1st Dec 2013
I've got n problems. Where n is equal to 99 and 'a bitch' != 1.
Mon 3rd Oct 2011
FYI the rotation time of the conveyer belt at yo sushi is 11 minutes, 1 second.
Tue 5th Jul 2011
The word for palindrome should be a palindrome.
Wed 25th May 2011
Let the commencement beginulate!